So today I joined a meditation center. This is the first time I have voluntarily join a spiritual community. I've been an atheist for over a decade, but one of things I always envied about those with religion was the community that usually comes with it. Of course as community goes, this is all about a bunch of people sitting together in silence journeying inwards so it's not exactly like we're going to have a big fourth of july picnic. Still, it feels like a big deal even though I don't know exactly what to say about it or how to explain it.
The center is beautiful. Calm, tranquil, cool, quiet and most importantly less than a block from my therapist because seriously who doesn't need some calm meditation after therapy? (I actually love my therapist who is sweet and bubbly and we totally bond over game of thrones. Still I do talk about things with her that definitely benefit from a spiritual balm afterwards.) I noticed the center two weeks ago because they had a pamphlet out front for jazz meditation, and I am over that! I decided that I would go to one of their open sittings before I joined. I had never actually really meditated with other people before except in yoga classes or a brief five minute thing in some other classes. The rest has all been in the comfort of my own apartment, which is, of course, very nice even when a cat goes flying under my nose half way through. But I thought like I should have an outside practice. A place other than my home that was just for this.
A part of me thought I should join because that's what you do, right? You're suppose to join a church or a synagogue or a meditation center. I realized after I joined that I had done it because in my head it was some sort of stone on some unarticulated obligatory path. I do that a lot. Imagine obligations. In this case, part of the imagined obligation was searching for some sort of pre-fab path. Being spiritual like this is difficult because there is no one path and this can be very anxiety provoking. While I like the "start where you are" attitude of Pema Chodron, there are times when I want some sort of central authority. Some key book, an authority, a set of steps that I am supposed to take so I can measure how well I am doing, so I can not think about it and just go on autopilot to progress rather than root around in the muck to find the answer.
Of course, one of my big issues with religion is central authority. I rebel against it and want to go my own way. When I was listening to Pema Chodron last week talking about how important it is to have a n intention when meditating, I rebelled. I didn't WANT to have an intention. I didn't want there to be a "right way" to meditate. I recoiled from her suggestion with disdain. But then later I thought about it as I was honestly surprised by how emotionally response to this idea. And yet when my meditation teacher suggested to me that I have the answers I rebelled against this as well sarcastically thinking, "If I have the answers, we're all in a lot of trouble." Spiritually, I'm like a cat standing in a half open door pondering both the warm cozy kitchen and the cool field outside with equal attraction and disdain.
But while I joined because I thought I should, I will stay because I think it is the right thing for me to do at this point on my journey.
I enjoyed the sitting. The leader balanced silence and guidance nicely with a body scan at the end, I suspect because I mentioned yoga nidra. I was the only one there. A nice solo flight as he called it. As As the meditation leader, Qelvi (pronounced like Kel-vee), opened the meditation room afterwards he told me "I can definitely feel the difference in the room from your energy." I can only hope my face didn't betray my mind because instantly my inner skeptic stood guard. "Easy there, nut cake" it said, "let's not get crazy." I immediately thought he was placating me to get money for a membership rather than thinking maybe he was being genuine or just being kind or, like at me, was at a loss of what to say to me as I was still in a pretty non-verbal mode. I told my inner skeptic to piss off and let me enjoy my lovely moment of calm and it evaporated back to the murky depths of my subconscious. Afterwards, I sat in the light atrium and enjoyed herbal tea while leafing through Embracing Mind from their library before going into the oppressively hot day.
After, I went to the desk to pay for my membership. I stood there long after the transaction went though because I thought I should get a key fob or a card or some sort of indication I was a member, like at the gym. A card carrying meditator. The woman saw me standing there and said "The transaction went through, I sent the receipt to your email, you can sit again if you like." I smiled at her and said "Oh no, I was waiting to sign the receipt" before gathering my bag. As I left an older woman was waiting to go into the next sitting, she was chatting to the meditation guide about something serious involving a friend. He listened with kindness offering insight. Maybe it was pretended kindness, but I realized it didn't actually matter if kindness is what she took from it.
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